Original post: May 2023
Autumn 2021
I awake to the sound of rain. A sound I used not to pay much attention to until I lived in a van and felt more connected to the elements. Rain in a van is cosy, atmospheric. But now I find myself living in a large bedroom tent by a river and now rain meant danger, potential flooding, electricity is probably going to cut out. Will I be able to get it back running this time? Will another night be spent pushing rain from the puddles collecting on my roof so that the tent doesn’t collapse? Will life always feel like a constant struggle, deep in my root chakra. Unsafety, survival, overwhelm, loneliness, struggle? This is so boring! This is so difficult. I know that there are so many lessons to be learnt but must they be fired so rapidly at me, one after the other like this, every single day? I was here with a man before. A strong, caring man who would take care of these things instead of me doing it all alone. But he left a couple of months ago. It’s not easy to start a relationship at the same time as a project such as this.
I turn my light on. It’s 3am and water is gushing in through the bottom of the tent, soaking my rugs and flowing under my beautiful furniture. I drag myself up out of bed and grab my crutches. Two weeks ago I was bitten by a neighbour’s dog and cannot walk unaided. I stumble and hop around putting my waterproofs on and look outside the tent. Rivers of water are finding their new paths all around and inside. I knew the rain was coming, why didn’t I prepare some trenches before? I was one step behind as always and this is the price I pay. But there are more important issues on my mind. The solar batteries are not yet fully rain-protected and I need to climb the hill to check on them. I spot my shoe collection outside the tent- flip flops or walking boots. The boots are soaked through. Flip flops it is. As I climb the steep muddy hill, crutches and a water-drenched phone torch in my hands (where is my head torch???!!) flip flops sliding all over the place, I question, not for the first time- what the hell am I doing with my life?
8 years ago (29 years old)…
I left my country of England to explore and find myself a home. I travelled and worked for a few years in south east Asia and then returned to the UK to buy myself a van. Shortly after I took myself off on my first proper trip, to Portugal! I wrote about it here. I fell in love with the country and its people and vowed to return when the time was right to find myself a home.
1.5 years later I returned to Portugal and was ready to find a home for myself.
My friend Sarah found a beautiful remote piece of land and 1.5 months later I was moved in! (Moved in sounds more of a complicated procedure involving moving vans and labelled boxes. What actually happened is that I drove my van here, found the one small flat piece of space, and turned off the ignition. Move complete.)
Move in day
My plan in buying this land was initially to find a space where I felt safe to park my van without fear of being moved on or told what I can and can’t do. And a space where my dog Keana could run free.
Keana’s preferred past time- not running free
My boyfriend of the time Bjorn came with me and before I knew it there were plans for solar and a water system and someone coming to re-build the ruin roof for us. We were non-stop every day, with no real long-term plans, just taking each day as it came rushing from one project to the next. No time to rest, no time for ourselves or each-other. Dates were replaced by work-meetings. After 3 months the pressure took its toll on Bjorn and he moved out. This triggered a severe abandonment wound and the worst feeling of unsafety I think I have ever experienced. I didn’t think it was possible to survive in such a raw place here without a man. Or at least I certainly didn’t want to! For days, weeks I cried every day. For him, for my survival, for a deep loneliness trapped inside of me. After a few weeks I discovered a feminine energy podcast and felt a small lift inside of me. I began walking Keana again, up and around the beautiful mountains surrounding the land. Each morning I’d look forward to this walk and listening to the podcast (accessible only off the land because I had no internet there). I started to feel myself coming back to a place of happiness deep within myself, not reliant on anyone else. Weeks passed and then during one of walks, my neighbour’s large (security) dog bounded towards me. This was not a friendly dog and usually a quick lunge and shout in his direction had this menacing-looking dog running for the hills. But for some reason that day he decided to come for me. His large body jumped at my torso, pushing me onto my knees and then back onto my coccyx. His large mouth and teeth were clamped onto my knee, letting go only to then bite into the top of my inner thigh. In that moment I had no idea how I would ever get him off of me, I was screaming and crying and really thought this is how my life was going to end. Eventually my elderly neighbour rushed over to scare the dog away. 20 minutes later I was in the back of my friend’s van (by then a family I knew had come to stay with me while they looked for land) with her 21 year old son rolling me joints to ease the pain while my knee rested on the back of the seat, blood pouring down my leg.
She drove me the hour and twenty journey to the nearest emergency hospital where I was attended to by some nice nurses. A few hours later my friend’s van arrived back at the land. I sat up in my seat and looked out of the door at the steep sloping hill ahead of me leading back down to my camp. How was I going to get down there? How was I going to look after myself? I couldn’t walk at all at that point (my knee had swollen to twice the size). My friends managed to get me out of the van and I instantly fainted.
After weeks of visiting the hospital every other day for bandage changes, my knees eventually healed and I was able to drive and walk again.
But the challenges kept coming. Everything we build must be resistant to the hottest sun, the strongest winds and the hardest rains which can flood a plain in a weekend. Often the way to find this out is the hard way. Trial and error. Sooner or later many things became damaged beyond repair (including my beloved bedroom tent).
May 2023
I have been here two years now. We have had so many wonderful people come to support the project, from friends, workaway website, word of mouth and we are now even on Park4night (a parking app for campers to find beautiful spots to rest their heads). Sometimes we are just a few here, the most was 9 (7 men).
For most of this period I have felt completely out of my depth. I haven’t wanted to be here. I felt unhappy, lonely, overwhelmed. I came here with no experience in construction (ok I helped build my van but I had supervision), no experience in managing people (how difficult can it be? We all are of the same mindset). I have been served so many incredible challenges forcing me to face my fears of not being liked, feeling secluded, isolated, so many projections in the mother role as leader of this place and not always feeling respected as a (female) leader. Having to stand up for myself and set (and repeatedly defend) my boundaries. Trying so hard at times to lead but also keep friendships that I actually ended up completely failing at both. Where is my place? What is my role? I am not into construction, I am slowly getting more into gardening but I am not a huge permaculture enthusiast. I enjoy bringing people together in circle during the full and new moons, to play music. I feel that my gifts are still mostly wrapped, waiting for the land to be ready to share the best of what I have with others. In workshops or retreats one day, in hosting. But for now I am feeling so fortunate. I have my home- my van, outside lounge, outdoor kitchen, vegetables growing and an abundance of water and electricity.
I have a car park with facilities where I can welcome paying guests. Everything else (the next big project)……
The next big project
……can take a break for a while so that I may now recuperate; process and give thanks to what has passed. So that I may now become clear and strong in what and who I want to attract. I want to take the time to care for my vegetables, and my body, play more music, do more writing. Take a breathe.
Thank you for taking the time to read about my experiences
Laura
x
Here is a video I made after my first year being here: